Diary of a Playgroup Dropout, Part 1

I have decided that it is about time that I tell you why I am the playgroup dropout, so here’s the beginning of my playgroup saga. Tune in tomorrow for Part 2, same mommy-time, same mommy-station. (You all used to watch Batman reruns after school too, right?) 

I have a problem with playgroups. The problem is that I loathe them and will never go to another one as long as I live, unless somebody invites me and says there will be cream puffs, in which case I am so there, but only for the pastries. I never got hooked into the playgroup circuit when Mia was very young; because I was a highly neurotic new first-time mom and leaving the house with the baby for longer than 20 minutes gave me the cold sweats. I was afraid that she would be hungry or tired or need her diaper changed or cry and I wouldn’t be able to deal with any of those things. (I’m much better now, but it took months. Ok, it was several months. Fine, eight, it was eight months. Are you happy now?) Also, I’m shy. And I’m an introvert. And I’m a hermit. And I’m lousy at small talk. And I always stick my foot in my mouth when talking to strangers. Don’t you want to invite me over for coffee right now? 

Round about New Year’s, I started going a little crazy. I had spent five months basically holed up in the house alone with the baby and I finally decided it was time to get Out There. I signed up with a local mom’s group that had a Yahoo message board and local playgroups and then, in a move of great bravery and daring, I actually went to a playgroup. Thus begins Beth’s Sad and Moving Playgroup Saga. You may want to grab some chips. 

Playgroup #1: Vast, Right-Wing Playgroup
My very first playgroup! I was excited and scared out of my mind. It turned out that the playgroup was at a house just one neighborhood over from mine, so I decided to strap Mia into the Baby Bjorn and walk over. Then it turned out that it was a much longer walk than I thought and much colder out than I thought and Mia was less than thrilled about being in the Bjorn while wearing her snowsuit. We made it, and things were going fairly well and I hadn’t made too much of a jerk of myself, until the conversation turned to local politics.

To steal a line from my (Republican, but we love him anyway) father, all of the other women at this playgroup were somewhat to the right of General Franco. I am a bleeding-heart liberal. This would have been fine, I’m all for lively debate, except that the other mommies all decided to berate me for coming down on the opposite side of a local political question. Also, they totally ignored their toddlers who were trying to pelt my infant with pots and pans from the play kitchen. I stuck it out as long as I could (I mean, there were cream puffs) but I finally decided I was taking my baby and going home. I let Mia drool on their Hummers on the way out. 

Playgroup#2: “Who Invited This Idiot to Playgroup?” Playgroup
Same online mom’s group as Playgroup #1, same week as Playgroup #1, different group of moms. This group was much more my speed, as quite a bit of the conversation centered on finding things on sale at Target. If there are any two things I love it is sales and Target. Ok, three things, sales, Target and coupons. Put all three together and I start to hyperventilate. Oh, anyway. Nice moms, instructed their toddlers to at least try not to step on my child, nice kids who just wanted to be polite and share their chocolate chip cookies and tiny little toys with my five month old child (good intentions at least). And then there was me, the social idiot. I alternated between remaining stone silent and really creeping everyone out, and outstanding conversational gambits such as the weather, houses in California and why they do or do not have basements, back to the weather, and ingrown toenails. I was a hit. 

Playgroup #3: The Playgroup that Wasn’t
Again, same group as the first two playgroups, a couple weeks later. I signed up to attend another playgroup, got Mia cleaned up, fed and dressed and headed out. Found the house, knocked on the door, heard kids yelling and an adult voice. No answer at the door. Now, I was a new mom, I understood. Sometimes, you just can’t get to the door right away because the kids are giving the dog a haircut or creating wall art with your lipstick, so I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. And then I knocked again. More voices, more yelling, more waiting. I finally gave up and left, and when I stepped off the porch heard a knocking above my head. I looked up to see two kids looking out the window and waving at me. Turned out, the playgroup had been “cancelled” (about three minutes before it was supposed to start) and the hostess claimed she had been in the shower (even though I heard her talking several times). I dropped the mom’s group.

Comments

[Sarah]

Sheeeeesh! No wonder you dropped out! A few months ago, the neighborhood moms organized a get-together at a local park to allow the kids to play and then picnic. They are a fine group of moms, but I realized how I differ so amazingly, when lunch time came around. Poor little Princess had insisted she wanted a "cold grilled cheese" for lunch (read: a few slices of cheese, a piece of bread) - so that's what i gave her. The other moms? They packed (NO JOKE) things like grilled chicken wraps with broccoli, and cucumbers and fancy things with strawberries. Looking at my kid with her bread and cheese, and carrot sticks and ranch like I was the laziest freakin' mom ever. Hey! It was what my kid WANTED for pete's sake. But it was a tad uncomfortable.

[William]

I can't wait for part 2. When going to these playgroups do you feel the need to make friends with the other moms? I find that the most difficult because I may like the kids but not the parents and then I feel bad.

[Amy]

Hi Beth -

I'd read that last snippet on your other blog, but I didn't know about the first 2 incidents. Boy - you certainly have given it a good shot!

I'm shy too. And since it's not so easy for me to get out and about with my daughter (especially when she was an infant), I also didn't look far into the playgroup thing. I've since joined (and un-joined) a local mom's group that offers lots of different activities and outings, including various playgroups. So I thought I'd give it a shot - Ella was older and could help me get her to places better.

However, after repeatedly requesting info on any group openings available (oh, and my friend kept asking too), we got no response. NONE. Nice - say you have playgroups and then do nothing about it.

So - I remain playgroupless. But, if you ever find yourself in southern NH, we could so totally meet and have fun and our daughters will love each other and we can be life long friends! Yay!

Take care -

Amy :)

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

What ever happened to the idea of the wine and dorito "playgroup". I still think we should set one of those up.

[Sarah]

Oh, I feel you with the whole playgroup thing. I finally found a good one but I went threw like three before I found one a liked.

What is so great about the one I am in now?

I am the leader of the playgroup. Yes, "leader" I know..lame! But I have it at my house baby gate all the rooms except the playroom and let the kids have fun while the mommies socialize. Turns out I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to my kids. By having it at my house I know there will be healthy food to eat, clean bathrooms, and age appropriate toys.

I have a wonderful group of ladies in my playgroup and we all try hard to respect each others parenting and political values. Anyone who doesn't follow the rules is subject to the wrath of "Tuesday Playgroup Leader". Yep, thats me!

Can't wait for part 2.

[chatty cricket]

Wait a minute, a group of Conservatives? I thought that was a myth, no? And in California? Are you sure you guys didn't take a wrong turn and end up in Texas? You should have brought your camera and taken pictures because i'm pretty sure the Smithsonian might want documented evidence of their excistence, and you'll probably get bonus points if you can prove that they were discussing politics at a playgroup.

What's with that?

I have come to realize that I never want to belong to a playgroup consisting of toddlers, even when my Lady becomes a toddler herself. They worry me.

Beth, you don't need no stinkin playgroup. As my Mom likes to point out, we didn't belong to playgroups and we turned out fine. Playgroups are like tummy time and Baby Einstein, the latest in a trend to force new mommies to overthink parenting.

[Angela]

oh, i know the feeling! I'm deaf and there isn't many playgroups I can join with full communication access. I went to one deaf moms group and I went for couple of months but I felt like they 'tolerated' my presence. They didn't invite me to do other stuff and I would hear that they have gotten together to do something off the scheduled playgroup time. *sigh* The other deaf moms groups are so cliquey, I call them the 'rich bitches' because that's what it is bascially - they prefer to socialize with other moms who has a great big house and stuff like that.

I'm just barely hanging on with my friends who doesn't have kids yet. I'm waiting... one of my friend 'thinks' she's pregnant and I'm hoping she is.

I hope things improve eventually.

[Louisa]

I've still got 1 more trimester to go but the thing I am most dreading about motherhood isn't the dirty diapers, nor the midnight feedings, nor the terrible twos. It's the mothers of the other children my child will one day play with.

[Nancy]

Maybe it's the group thing? Have you had any luck with the one on one playdates?

Feel free to bring Mia by my place sometime. I can provide cream puffs and a bottle of wine, and I live really close to Target... ;-)

[Kristen]

I had very similar experiences with playgroups. I came to the conclusion that they were all Awful, and that I hated all other moms and all other babies Okay, no. But I do hate playgroups now. If it were possible to form our own "Introverts Who Hate Playgroups But Love Cream Puffs and Target" playgroup? Then I might reconsider my Hating All Playgroups policy.

[Tara]

What I hear you saying is, Yahoo may not be the best place to find a good playgroup. So perhaps I maybe should not have joined the one I joined yesterday. ;-) (please God let there be some other liberal mommies in this red state of mine)

I'm finding that we have the best time getting together with adults who are already our friends, who happen to have kids near our son's age. We're also going to try hanging out with some kids from daycare on the weekend and see how that goes--we know we like the kids, so now we have to try on the parents.

Anyway, I know there's more to come, but I can already see PLENTY of justification for your status as a playgroup dropout. Looks like you & Mia are getting along just fine without them.

[Vycki]

Ok, now I'm starting to wonder if we're not really the same person. I mean, have you ever seen us together? You're from VA - ditto; introvert - ditto; hermit - ditto; bad at small talk - ditto; sticks foot in mouth - ditto; cream puff vulnerability - ditto.
I've never made it to a playgroup with my son for one thing because I could not find one in my area with babies, or toddlers even. All I've been able to find are for big kids and that doesn't interest me and I have no interest in starting one of my own (I'd have to actually start cleaning the house).

[ann adams]

Come on over for coffee anytime. We can stare at each other when we're not hiding under the table.

Playgroups. Ours consists of most of the kids on the street in and out of each others' houses.

I'm a dinosaur.

[mr lady]

I have been raising kids for 8 1/2 years and have nevah, evah once felt the need to go to a playgroup. Evah. I can't fathom why you would.

Incidentally, I make THE BEST cream puffs the world has ever known. You could, um, like, come over for coffee and I'd make you some. I am a social moron, too. We'd do swell!

[Sharri]

I ventured out to a "Mommy Group" at our local hospital when my son was about 2 months old. I was freakishly worried what to do if he cried, needed to eat, moved...

I walked into the room and there were literally wall-to-wall mommies and babies. They all looked like they knew what they were doing. Even a mom of TWINS! It felt like they were all looking at me, thinking, "Oh. Here's the new mommy. Her baby is gonna cry or poop and she's not gonna know what to do."

So, I sat down for about two minutes and then left. Met another mom in the hall who felt the same. We set up our own group and that was easier. My son is 4 now and we still keep in touch. (Mostly on email though...)

[Katheryn Ostler]

Ahhh. I hear you. I have this need for wanting to make friends with other moms, but I am the worst at small talk. Stupid things just fly out of my mouth.

[Shayla]

I was really worried about playgroups with my first one...then I another one a year later.Still haven't made it to a playgroup yet, but between church and each other, I think my girls will be ok.

[Becki]

Yes, I do want to have you over for coffee. And creampuffs. Nothing I love like another introverted smart girl who loves Target.

[SP]

I'm as un-socially gracious as you say you are, Beth, but I've managed to find a playgroup that has worked out great for my nine-month old and me. It was important for me to do because unlike me, my daughter is super social and thrives on group activities! :) I signed up (had to pay for) a "Mother's Group" playgroup with the local childbirth preparation association. YMCA's sometimes offer these too, as do local Rec & Ed's. The benefit to signing up and paying is that there is a facilitator who makes sure conversation happens smoothly, the mommies behave well, and the babies get stimulated in positive ways. It sounds silly, but having a leader in the room who doesn't have a kid there somehow removes a lot of the tension. Our leader is great at getting people talking and pointing us to great local resources, ideas, etc. And as it worked out, a few of us in the group got along well enough that we've met up a few times outside of the official playgroup, too. You might want to look into this... I've found it's been a good challenge for me to try to relate nicely to other mommies, even those whose political and/or child-rearing sensibilities I don't agree with! Good luck...

[Helen]

Now I don't feel so bad about quitting Gymboree...I tried it in lieu of a playgroup when my daughter was under 1 year of age and hated it. I am also shy and just used work as an excuse for not pursuing one after that. Playdates are a competitive sport among some people (ok, everyone with kids that I knew) so it wasn't until she started kindergarten that I got up the courage to go that route. I know nice moms are out there and wish I weren't shy but it's hard when you are. Good luck finding some nice ones you can have a good time with!

[B.Jean]

I like what Helen said "Playdates are a competitive sport among some people". It's true.
I am not usually that shy but around these group of women they make me shy. We have been together for over a year.
They all live in my town and we used to get together twice a week. Around a year old most moms decided that their kids go down to one nap so they could fit in all the social things for their kids/themselves. I decided it was in our best interest to go along with what my son needed as far as sleep and yes at 22 months he still takes 2 long naps. I miss out because everything is so conveiniety scheduled for them and they are not that thoughtful to include me in anything either. I just had a childrens book party without the children and they all acutually came. Well, they had the party without me basically. They talked about all the things they are doing(btw, I am not included) and so on. It was so uncomfortable. I put on a happy face and socialized because I am the hostess but when they all started talking about the book they are reading for the book group that they started (me the only one not invited) I was really hurt. Then one of the nicer girls was like Oh, did you want to come too blah blah blah.
UGG.
I do like some of the girls and try to get together one on one but I am not their priority.
I have not found any other women that are first time moms with the same age child. All my friends have 3-4 children that are in school, etc.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one out there that thinks playgroups can suck!

[hannah]

I'm from New Zealand and with you all on the playgroup thing - one thing noone seems to have mentioned is the ever-constant threat of illness.
Why - oh why do these mothers insist on dragging their snotty nosed infant to every social event possible?
sigh...