At the Pool

Mia and I went to the pool last week, as we do, and thanks to a recent stretch of cool weather we had the place very nearly to ourselves. Apparently we were among a select group of people who felt that the coolest day since early April called for an hour or so at the pool. Mia spent most of her time blissfully toddling from handrail to handrail along the edge of the pool. I spent the time sloshing along beside her on the first stair in a hugely uncomfortable crouch, ducking under or leaping over handrails as the mood struck and never moving my hands more than three centimeters from her wiggly little belly in case she suddenly decided to veer into the water. 

There was a girl swimming in the shallow end very close to the scene of my gymnastic routine. She was somewhere between five and ten. (Can other people tell how old kids are? I assume that once Mia has been five and ten I’ll be able to tell the difference, but right now the best I can do is “probably less than four,” “probably less than ten,” and “somewhere short of fifty.”) This ageless girl had been swimming alone for a while (her little brother was too interested in splashing to be considered as a playmate) and two other ageless girls arrived. (They were all of a similar height, so I assume they were collectively either five or ten.) When they two new girls arrived, the solo swimmer floated right up to them and asked “Do you want to play with me?” They did, and there ensued one of those highly complicated, ritualized sort of encounters that I think you have to be younger than twelve to possibly comprehend. 

I was amazed. I suppose I remember doing much the same thing myself as a child, but it has been so long since that sort of thing was considered acceptable that it is a vague memory at best.  I don’t remember when politics and cliques and being “cool” and “in” entered the picture – certainly by junior high, maybe a little bit earlier. I admit I was jealous of these girls. I’ve had a hard time making friends since I quit my job and became a stay-at-home mom. All of my old friends are childless or career-driven and do not understand why I quit my job. They are the ones who ask me what I do all day, ask me aren’t I bored. And the other stay-at-home moms, well, I can’t figure out an in with them. They all seem to know each other already and I’m shy and most of the time it just doesn’t work out for me. 

I found myself thinking how nice it would be if I could go up to the other moms at the pool and ask if they wanted to play with me. If I could say hey, I don’t want to be your best friend and I don’t want our families to go on vacation to the beach together and for the love of all that is holy I don’t want to hear all about the intimate details of your marriage or your relationship with your mother-in-law or the feud you are having with the lady down the street. It’s just that we are all here, together, right now, and so maybe for an hour we could talk about who is having a great sale on diapers and the house in the next block that got robbed last week and what in the heck is going on in Lebanon anyway.

I guess I could do that, really, and the worst that could happen would be a little social embarrassment, which really doesn’t bother me all that much. If only I were as brave now as I was at five, or maybe ten.

Comments

[Maribeth]

If they said no, don't feel bad. Remember those other Mommies aren't as cool as you. You wouldn't want to play with them anyway.

[lori]

One of the cool things about living in the Midwest is that it's socially acceptable to strike up a conversation with a stranger. A stranger with which you have something in common (like a child) is even better! Since I grew up in the East and went to college in the South, I can appreciate how different this approach to life is.

You can always start with a "is it OK if we put our blankets here?" kind of question (like any mom could actually say no to that), and see what kind of reaction you get.

I'm a shy person myself, but I've found that it's easier to make friends when you have a kid as a cover. My stepson has helped me out a lot that way.

[William]

For scientific purposes I think you should try saying exactly that and report back with what their reaction was.

[That Girl]

HA! I wish I could say something like that too, cause I need to find new friends.

[Kristen]

the other option is to show up with a pitcher of margaritas. No uncomfortable segues to conversation necessary... of course I have noticed that the pool is a little leary of the SAHM contingent whooping it up.

[Aimee]

Yes, and how DO they all know each other already, anyway? Did I miss the meeting notice?

Lori, you're right about the Midwest. I grew up in the Midwest and now live in the East, and it took me a little while to stop talking to people in the grocery store--perfectly acceptable in Indiana, but here it just gets you sideways looks and people edging away from you like you might go all postal on them just because you asked if they've ever tried the product they're holding in their hand and is it any good because you've been thinking about trying it... well, you get the picture. :( But when I was visiting my folks in Alabama and a lady talked to me in Wal*Mart about the tomatoes and I found myself mumbling and shuffling away from her, I said "No! No more! I will not be assimilated!" and I've started talking to people again. If they have a problem with it, it's their problem. After all, I know how cool I am. Their coolness is yet to be determined. :)

[Linda]

I call it "citified" where you don't respond to stranger or they don't respond to you.
I missed the "meeting" for two years and could not for the life of me figure out where all the moms in my neighborhood met and knew each other the day I showed up at the playground!!
Beth, I think we live in the same region. I would like to play. It took some time but I have a book club that is looking for some new friends!

[dawn]

Wow. Reading your account of that girl asking if the other girls wanted to play brought up such a strong reaction in me. It caught me by surprise. When I read the words, "Do you want to play with me?" I cringed. I did the mental equivalent of hands over my eyes, peeking through my splayed fingers -not wanting to see, but wanting to see. I was so afraid that she would be rejected. I think that is the fear I have. If I make myself vulnerable enough to someone to say, "Do you want to play with me?" I am essentially saying, I think you are neat, do you think I'm neat enough to spend some time with too? Gah! The risk! I admire the recklessness of the young.

[Kate the Shrew]

I think I'm decent at guessing kids' ages, but probably only because one of my friends has a (now) teenager who I've been able to track as she grows up.

I know what you mean, I'm no good at making new friends, either. I suspect that the letter about the first meeting only goes out to the extroverts in the crowd, though.

My extrovert friend *still* thinks nothing about going up to new people and implying, "you WILL play with me".

[linda]

for god sake, stop over analyzing stuff. if you want friends act like a friend and not a book with legs. if they talk you talk back, they talk about MIL and marriage because you are not talking. its not complicated to be a social being....

[Sparkle Pants]

I think about that a lot. I remember being able to walk up to kids and join in their games. It's so strange when it suddenly stops being possible. Not that I realized it then. I realize it now that I'm older and completely unable to make new friends, except on the trusty internets. :)

[Pammer]

Amen. Because, seriously, it doesn't have to be some high-maintenance, expectation-filled experience... just a couple of cool moms hanging out.

Wish that could happen down here...I've SOOOO over the high-maintenance, over-dressed, "can't stop talking about my genius kid", girly-girl moms.

So? I got a kid, a bathing suit, some time and a brain... wanna hang out? :)

[Kristen]

I think that by the ages we all are (somewhere older than ten), we all should know that different people have different abilities. Some of us make friends easily, and some of us don't, and the comment that made it sound like people who can't easily approach other people are stupid and crazy and weird--well, that's really odd. Not everyone is the same, right? And is that okay with everyone, for people to be different and have different feelings about things? Geez.

I'm more like Beth. I find it "complicated to be a social being." I feel all nervous about striking up conversations with strangers, and I feel worried about defining the nature of our friendship. Though I do like to hear about someone's marriage troubles or mother-in-law problems, at least a LITTLE bit of it.

It's easier to make friends with other moms when the kids are either very young or somewhat older. When both of you have small, immobile babies, you can do the mom equivalent of finding-common-ground smalltalk: talk about pregnancies, labors, births, adoptions, nights, the pregnancies/labors/births/adoptions/nights of other people you know, etc. And when the kids are older, old enough to play by themselves in the water with your from-a-distance watchful eye, you can sit a few feet away from another mom, and as you sit down just say "Hi." Then, after awhile, you can ask which kid is hers, and make a complimentary remark ("Wow, she sure is brave!") and see if any conversation comes out of it. If not, you can go back to watching your child in the water, no harm done. I live in a medium-sized town on the east coast, and I've found that most people do respond to conversation openers--and many respond enthusiastically. No one has ever totally snubbed me, though sometimes I get short answers and what I interpret as signals that they'd rather not chat.

I do totally empathize with this issue. And I think you should continue to analyze things, since that's who you ARE. Frankly, I would enjoy being friends with a "book with legs," or with someone who would start a meta-conversation like that. People who find it really easy to be friends make me a little nervous, because I can't act the same way.

[morethanamom]

Go ahead - ask them! If they play along, great. If not, then they just suck. I actually mt my best friend in college when I was outside in (ack) sweats after volleyball practice and she came outside and said "Hey, will you be my friend?" We laughed, and have been friends ever since!

I should blog about that.

Hmmm.

[ann adams]

What's the worst thing that can happen? Nothing that isn't happening already.

I'd go with a smile, a hi, and some totally innocuous remark and see what happens.

I'm shy too although it doesn't show much here. But I lived for a while in Arkansas where everybody chatted up total strangers in the grocery store, at the park, wherever. I became used to casual conversaton on that level. I still carry on conversatons in the grocers here. I know some people don't like it but for me it's a nice break.

[Katheryn Ostler]

I say go for it! But I know I never could - ahhh, a bit too scary for me. I remember being young and doing that. I wish as adults it was still common. BTW, I know what you mean with the age thing. I never have any clue how old anyone is.

[Beth]

Beth, I know exactly how you feel. I'm something of an introvert, and find it very difficult to make conversation with perfect strangers. All the friends I have are my friends because THEY are extroverts and came up to me. I even find it difficult to talk with people I know (like the parents of kids who are in my child's day care class). I do think a simple "Hi" will get you more of a response, but I LOVE your opening statement. :)

[Pamalamadingdong]

I go with the pitcher of margarita's. Of course I'd have one before approaching the other mommies...you know to loosen up. Then I'd get all buzzy and have another. Before I knew it I'd have a swim ring around my neck whacka-whacka-whacka style and all the other moms would point and whisper about the drunk woman in the shallow end.
Or something.

[Isabel]

On paper it sounds like a good idea and I want to say that "YES, let's all just walk up to people and be friends", but the truth is that if someone were to do that to me I would think they were a freak and I would run away.

It's sad really. Because we all need friends.

(I think I'm going to work on this.)

[Jenny]

I've totally thought about calling one of my neighbors to come over and play...just swing on Hailey's playset while the kids play themselves...but I just can't get up the nerve.

Wanna come over and play?

[haley-o]

I love how kids are so uninhibited, unself-conscious....Too bad that goes away with age....Great post, as always, Beth!

[Missie]

Beth,
If you ever decide to move to Idaho, you can totally play with me. And Mia can play with my Ali. And we can be friends and talk and laugh and have coffee and watch our little girls grow and cry about how quickly they do.

[Helen]

It's so awkward to reach out and try to be friends with someone new. I've met so many women in my area that are fine for an initial conversation or two, but when it comes to actually including me in the group, or going beyond that, it doesn't happen. I really try but of course, it feels bad to be rebuffed and so, I tend to withdraw. My husband will say people are intimidated but since I'm shy it is hard to overcome. Plus, lots of times conversations seem to turn into those 'competive conversations' where it's all about the vacations they are going on, the activities their kids are in or stuff about their maid or gardener. Very boring. I like being social but not when it's about everyone trying to step all over everyone else. My mom used to say if you want friends be a friend, but I have sure 'been a friend' to people who turn out to be not that loyal and so, it's really not that simple. I'm a book on legs too Beth and totally sympathize as I analyze everyone and everything. One thing that I really liked about my husband was how fast he made friends--but after all this time all I get from that is, he's totally different and people respond differently to him. I love my old friends and work hard to keep those friendships going and make new ones but it takes time.

[samantha]

I can NEVER tell what age kids are - I just have no gauge, beyond 2 and 1/2, because the GBK is all I know. Even worse are grades. I can't remember what grade is what age, all I know is that when one of the church kids enters middle school I tell them to breathe, it's going to be okay, and it won't last forever. Also, if they need someone to rescue them on a particularly bad day, to call me.

As for the walking up and being friends - it's so hard! I feel so shy meeting new people if I'm not at church or wherever I feel okay. The other day I met a REALLY COOL girl and I managed not to freak her out - I hope - but she left before we could trade numbers and it made me sad. She was really cool, did I mention that? Just go for it, Beth. You'll find the right people to hang out with, I promise.

[Sandy]

I remember one time hearing someone on TV say that when she was very young, a new family moved in across the street and she went and knocked on their door and said, "Do you have anyone here who is 3?" They did! And she had a new friend. How cool is that?!

I watched children make friends so easily at a very large family reunion lately. I was in awe. I keep friends for a long time once I make them but when's the last time I made a new friend in real life? Should I knock on a door and say, "Do you have anyone here who's 32?" :-)