Ask Beth: The No Son of Mine Edition

Shannon sent in a great question for you guys to answer.  I wish I could post her entire email, but it was a bit long, so I'm going to summarize and then get to Shannon's issue.  Shannon is mom the three adorable kids and tries to avoid forcing them into "traditional" gender roles.  That means boys can play with dolls and girls can play with trucks if they want to.  Shannon also has a lot of experience with kids, both in raising her own and in working in childcare.  Lately, she's run into a situation that has her concerned and she is looking for some input.  Here's her question:

I take care of my 2 year old nephew.  My daughter has numerous princess ‘dress-up’ dresses, and on a regular basis my nephew puts on the yellow Snow White skirt. Now, he doesn’t know he’s dressing up as Snow White. He doesn’t say “I wanna be a girl”, all he knows is that everyone else is doing this, and I like the yellow one. I obviously have no problem with this. My in-laws (the grandparents) however make such a big deal about it, that they actually fight with the 2 yr old about it. They force him to take it off, they then try and hide it. All the while, he’s in tears because he wants the yellow.

I get so irate about this. Why? Why can’t the poor kid play like a kid? Am I the ridiculous one? Am I the only one who doesn’t see this as a problem?  I really don’t see it as an issue, until they make it one by trying to stop him.

I'm with Shannon on this one.  I don't see a problem with a 2 year old boy playing dress-up in whatever is around, including pretty yellow Snow White dresses.  I feel like 2 year olds don't have strongly-formed ideas about gender and it probably hasn't occured to him that boys don't usually wear dresses.  Once that does occur to him, I'm sure this particular game will end.  However, I don't have a boy, maybe those of you who do have a different opinion on this subject.

If you would, I'd like to hear two things from you on this.  First, do you think Shannon's nephew wanting to wear a dress to be like the other kids is something to be concerned about, and second, what, if anything, do you think Shannon should do to address this situation with her nephew and the rest of her family?

Comments

[mrscrumley]

As the mom of a 2 year old boy, I also have no problem with him dressing up, playing with dolls, or anything else that is "girly" in today's society. However, even though I don't have a problem with it, it isn't something that we have had to deal with because our son hasn't really had that kind of interaction. He did take a liking to my cabbage patch doll, but that was so he could play with the pacifier (since it was during the time we were weaning him from his paci). He wears my shoes, but then again, he also wears my husband's shoes.

I think I have to go with Beth's statement, "I feel like 2 year olds don't have strongly-formed ideas about gender and it probably hasn't occured to him that boys don't usually wear dresses." It doesn't matter, just let the kid be happy.

[Swistle]

I think the older generations sometimes think that if a boy does girl things, it will "make" him gay. I don't know why they think this way, but it drives me batty.

I think there is NOTHING wrong with a boy dressing up in dresses, fairy costumes, WHATEVER, and that it won't have one iota of effect on his future sexuality. However, I don't know how to explain that to someone who'd try to rip the dress off a 2-year-old and hide it.

She says she takes care of her nephew. Unless her in-laws live there too, there must be times that they're NOT over. What I'd do is avoid the situation: I'd bring out the dress-up stuff when my in-laws weren't there, and I'd put it somewhere out of sight when they were.

[Alissa]

My 3 year old is obsessed with Cinderella. He doesn't want to BE her, he LOVES her. She's his girlfriend. But he shows his love by having a Cinderella doll, and cup, and plate, and cell phone(toy), and movie. Big deal? No.

Let the kid play.

[Alissa]

My 3 year old is obsessed with Cinderella. He doesn't want to BE her, he LOVES her. She's his girlfriend. But he shows his love by having a Cinderella doll, and cup, and plate, and cell phone(toy), and movie. Big deal? No.

Let the kid play. I don't see what there could be to be concerned about...

[Lisa]

What do the parents think? That should be the deal clincher or breaker. If the nephew's parents have no problem with it, then the grandparents should zip it.
And I think the whole family should be proud that the kids are playing together so well, and not focus on what the kids are playing with. That will change, and before you know it, the boy will have all the girls playing with hammers.
I also don't believe toys (including pretty yellow dresses) should be taken away from toddlers unless they are breaking rules. That only encourages kids NOT to share.

[Jessica]

I'm of the same mindset as Shannon, so no, I don't think it's anything to be concerned about. I have 2 girls, and when my stepson unexpectedly came to live with us when he was 5, all he had to play with for a while were girl's toys....but he jumped right in there with the babydolls and dressup clothes. And now my 2 year old girl's favorite toy is a talking tow truck ~ Mater(from CArs). ANyway, I have no idea how to address it with family, as my brother has a boy and flipped out on my sis-in-law when he saw the boy playing with one of my girls' dolls. Arguing with a 2 year old about what toy to play with is pointless, in my opinion, but some people....

[Maribeth]

You know my grand nephew Taft loves to play Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter and he has his little brother play "Baby Bindy". Now Bindy is a girl, but who cares?
Of course you must remember that many people are still very homophobic and really get unglued.
I'd just not have the kids play dress up when the inlaws are around.

[Traci]

I'm less nice than other people - I'd just tell the in-laws to stuff it - especially in my own house. But I *might* phrase it more nicely than that.
A 2-year-old has NO concept if he's playing with "boy stuff" or "girl stuff" and god, haven't we, by this day and age, reached a point where it doesn't matter???

[ann adams]

You didn't mention the little boy's parents. Unless the grandparents are the caretakers (you didn't say), it should be the parents' decision and that's probably where she should start.

That being said, people get locked into these notions and the older they get, the more difficult change becomes.

Personally, I think Shannon is right. He likes pretty things, so what. He'll either outgrow it or he won't. Again, so what.

I have no idea when children first become aware of gender identity. I don't think it happens when they're that young. He probably just likes to dress up with the rest of the kids.

[Tina]

As a mom to both a son and a daughter, I am appalled at these grandparents- but not surprised. There was once a lot of information from a childhood development expert on the babycenter message boards. To summarize, I believe she made the assertion that up until school age, children don't have the ability to think in terms of gender(or other) boundaries- they can pretend to be something (like superheroes, monsters, princesses,etc) because the lines between reality and fantasy are blurred. Just like you said, he's pretending, and he is behaving appropriately for his age. The stereotypes of right and wrong gender role-playing are still out there- and it's the boy's parents' job to inform the grandparents that his wearing of any costume is OK with them, and NO more should be said- EVER. Instilling shame or embarrassment on him, making him feel that he is doing something "wrong" is more detrimental than anything!!! Some boys love the colors pink and purple, and it's the healthy parent who knows this is ok. Colors are colors! I think it's nuts that in our society, it's ok for my daughter to wear BLUE and pretend she is a pirate, but not the boy/princess thing. Sharon needs to stand her ground and the grandparents need to be educated on this topic.

[Jen]

Ummm, he's 2!!!!!!
I see no problem with him wearing a dress, carrying a purse or wearing a necklace and earrings. He's doing what the other kids are doing! If he were 13 and doing those things....well.....
As far as addressing her relatives, I would simply say that he is just playing with other kids. He's not going shopping in a dress, he's just playing. Peer pressure is a big thing at this age. I think when you are away from that age on a regular basis, you forget things.
I don't know if this helps or not, but those are my "words of wisdom".

[Chatty cricket]

I think you gotta just say, "let the kid play with the yellow one" especially if he's so upset that he's not allowed to play the same game the other kids are playing. That's just so unfair of the grandparents, and how is your nephew supposed to understand why?

I also think that there is NOTHING wrong with your nephew wanting to wear the yellow skirt. Like you said he's not even trying to make a statement, just joining in the fun. I wouldn't think it was odd if my daughter picked up some cars or trucks to play with (which she does) so I can't be a hypocrite and think differently for my son.

[Deb L]

I have photos of my grandfather and other male relatives in dresses. It used to be fairly standard to put little bitty kids in easy-to-get-at-diaper dress-type garments until they were bigger. Then girls had dresses and boys had pants. The little boys also had long curls.

Little kids love to put things on and take things off. I don't see any reason for agitation. As long as they stay out of my lingerie drawer that is. LOL

[Kelly]

As a Mom of a 7-year-old boy I absolutely would not worry about a 2-year-old boy wearing girl stuff. I too was a Mom who encouraged gender neutral play. When my son was younger he had a kitchen, a doll, wanted to paint his room pink, etc., and my daughter is now obsessed with power rangers and playing in the dirt. Now my son is obsessed with football, has given his doll and kitchen to his sister, and everything has worked itself out. Let me tell you, these children are going to receive so much pressure outside of the home to behave like a boy/girl that things will take care of themselves in the long run. It is absolutely going to make no difference whether or not they loved their yellow skirt at 2 or not. The only time I would worry is if the child gets to grade school age and is still wanting to dress like a girl and specifically relates dresses to being a girl. Then that child may have some gender confusion that needs to be worked out. But at 2? No...no worries.

With that said, it is really not anyone's choice to allow the 2-year-old to wear the skirt other than the primary caretakers of that child. So even if it bother's the Aunt, she really can do nothing unless she has those people's blessing to do so.

[Darlene]

I went through the same thing with my in-laws. When my second son was born my oldest son was 18 months old. I had a baby doll to give him when he came to see the baby the first time in the hospital. That way he had his own baby and hopefully would leave his brother alone. ANYWAYS -- to make a long story short you would have thought that I put a dress and makeup on the kid when my in-laws saw him for the first time with the doll. They would come over and I noticed that the baby doll (which had a blue sleeper) would end up behind the couch or in the bottom of the toy box. I finally told them to knock it off or quit coming over. There is nothing wrong with girls playing with trucks and boys playing with dolls. My now 8 and 7 year old sons will play with dolls with their sisters and my daughters love to play with the trains and cars with their brothers.

[Eireann]

I have about a ton of things I could say about this, cause seriously...heteroNORMATIVE much?

And they wonder why people end up with COMPLEXES. "Male" behavior and "female" behavior is being taught to the kid by his grandparents *right* now - and if they do keep at it, of course he won't want to wear the pretty skirt, because they will have made him feel that his wants and desires are wrong - a pretty powerful lesson to learn over something as minor as a pretty skirt when you're two. How far deep down does that go? How many other things do you internalize as wrong because of the biases you're exposed to when you're that young?

I used to dress my brother up in my dresses when I was wee, and we have plenty of pictures of him wearing "girl" dressup clothes. Now, I'm not going to argue that my brother is a wholly well-adjusted human, but wearing a dress had very very little (I'd argue nothing at all) to do with this. What screwed him up was the attitudes of the adults he was exposed to as a child.

Give the grandparents the track "William Wants a Doll" from Free to Be... You and Me. That is my non-child-having but non-heteronormatively-raised opinion.

[Annie]

Yeah, discuss it with your nephew's parents and let them tell the in-laws that he's only 2 and to let the boy play.

[Louisa]

When my little brother was that age I used to love to put barrettes in his hair and dress him up in girly things. He loved it - not because he was girly himself, but because I was letting him use my things. The proof of this is that when one day, someone came to the door and said "What a pretty little girl!" he replied, I'm not a girl, I'm a boy!, like being a girl was offensive or something! And as soon as he was old enough to realize that barrettes and frilly things were girl things, you can bet he didn't want anything to do with them! So, I really don't think it's anything to worry about.

[Jaycie]

I just happened to do my first research project on the topic of gender development and children's play style, so trying to keep it short....
Most two year olds do know whether they are boys or girls and can consistently label others (mostly by clothing identification at the beginning). By three, they usually relaize that they are going to stay whatever gender they are for life, AND have pretty firm ideas about what toys/clothes are for which gender. By four, kids tend to police one another's choices and let them know what's gender-appropriate. A boy who chooses to play with the dolls in a kindergarten class is more likely to be ridiculed than is a girl who plays with trucks. Theories abound--biological differences, modeling, etc. Researchers still haven't figured out why.
It takes a committed parent/caretaker to teach a child that ALL opportunities are open to them and that they can play with whatever they choose. Adults who have a problem with it are typically somewhat homophobic and definitely ignorant. Some people can be educated, others not. I'd suggest that Shannon has a good idea which type of people her in-laws are, and that she's likely wasting her breath trying to enlighten them. I'd suggest reserving dress-up play for when they're not around so as to minimize conflict and confusion for her nephew. If she wants to try to change her in-laws' point of view, she might try while the kids are not present. It might take a bit of the emotional reaction away (He's in a skirt,OMG, she's turning our grandson gay) and help them be a little more open to her opinion.

[Colleen]

Boy, it really bothers me that grandparents would be so critical of a 2 year old. He is a little, little kid... why can't they just shower him with unconditional support and love??!! Who the heck cares if he wants to play dress up?

[heels]

I agree with Lisa and Ann that the real decision with how to address the issue with the family lies with the parents (unless his parents aren't in the picture).

For myself, I would never tell my son that "girly" toys were off limits. Not only does it not mean that he's gay, but who the eff cares if he is? I want him to be happy. The end.

[belgianwaffle]

I'm with Shannon though not sure how to deal with in-laws. As somebody said, the parents' view is probably the clincher.

[debi]

I equate this with my own son's experience as a toddler. With two big sisters in the house (and no brothers), he spent many hours trailing around after them, carrying a purse. And playing with dolls. My oldest (10 years his senior) was horrified, convinced he'd grow up to prefer high heels to soccer balls, but as it turns out, her fears were totally unfounded. He's a boy's boy in every way, and if we mentioned the whole purse thing to him now, he'd probably punch someone before admitting to it.

[Amy]

I work in childcare (3 year olds) and am so fascinated when the kids play dress-up. We have many different outfits and the most popular ones are the "princess" dresses. The boys love them just as much as (if not more than) the girls do. I never allow anyone (parents or other teachers) to discourage a boy about dressing up in those costumes. I figure there will be plenty of time for them to learn those gender-specific rules about what to wear, why not let them wear what they want? It seems to work for the kids in my class. All the boys are back to playing Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles once the dress-up clothes are put away, so I think they realize it's just playing.

[bobw]

sorry I dont have time to read the otehr comments, but I thought I'd chime in and say I'm a dad of a 2-y-o boy (and 1-y-o girl) and I think dress up is fine. the grandparents are the ones doing the harm by making a big deal of it. family politics can get hard, but I'd find a way to calmly explain that it's ok with them.