Ask Beth: Money Money Money

This week's question comes from Tomika and Melissa.  Now, I assume these ladies thought of their questions and submitted them independently, but I suppose it is possible that they are in cahoots Tomika got tired of waiting for me to post it so got Melissa to submit the same question, knowing it would cause me to feel like there is a huge popular uprising of people clamoring for this information and post it immediately.  But probably not.  I'm going to paraphrase a bit here since the questions were so similar, but Melissa wants to know:

How do you and so many other moms afford to stay at home rather than work?  I would LOVE to be able to stay home but we've analyzed our budget and there is just no possible way it would work.  I have heard others say that you just need to cut back on expenses, but we already do that.  I want to be a SAHM, how do you manage to do so?

And Tomika asked, in part:

I am just really curious about what types of things people have done (or would have to do) to adjust their spending/budgeting from a DINK household to a one income household with kiddos.  I mean, something tells me that if I quit my job, I won't be able to go to Chipotle for lunch as often.  But, I'd really prefer to not have to depend on garage sales to get my shopping done.  So, I'm looking for ideas on where people have made cuts and sacrifices to make it work but still maintain some level of a lifestyle where they can enjoy themselves and don't feel completely burdened by constant money issues.

Please don't hate me when I tell you we didn't give up very much when I quit working.  Sure, I got rid of the cleaning lady and we don't eat out nearly as much as we did and the only way we get a vacation is when our parents get a house somewhere and generously invite us along, but we still have the TiVo and the broadband internet and my desperately neglected gym membership.  Oh, and in the last 17 months I have bought myself four t-shirts and one bag and absolutely nothing else.  Mia, however, has everything her little toddler heart could possibly desire, and then some.  The trick for us was that we were living well beneath our means while I was working, so while it was an adjustment it wasn't too painful a change.

I know it is not nearly that simple for most of you, so anybody have any good tips for these ladies on how you get those ends to meet?

Comments

[Beth's Mom]

I stayed home with Beth and her brother for ten years. How? We went without and did without. The kids had everything they could possibly want or need, but Beth's dad and I did not indulge ourselves. Since I was a teacher, I could substitute teach a couple of days a week, and that paid for vacations. I learned to sew, and made things like curtains and costumes.

We had only one car! Also, there were not so many gadgets to buy then. We did not know we were deprived!

We had generous parents, also.
they made sure our kids had all the clothes, toys, and lessons we felt they needed.

[Lisa]

I was able to stay home with my son for a few years. I only went back to work because my husband was accepted to the State Police academy and took a huge paycut for that, but it was the best move in the long run. But a struggle for awhile.

I was making more than the hubs when I quit working. We really cut back on EVERYTHING. Somehow we survived without movies and eating out and vacations, new cars, new clothes and a myriad of other items we also considered necesssities. It may seem impossible, but you can make it work. The more money you have the more ways you find to spend it.

[sweets5260]

Since I've been staying home, there has been some transition. My husband's job brings a type of "feast or famine" paycheck. So when it's feast, I know to stock up on what we need and just kind of save the rest. Of course there are times you just have to go without and I think that's just part of motherhood. It makes you a mature person. I think focusing on what's really important (like quality time with baby/child at a "free" park) can play a big part in not focusing on the monetary aspect of rearing children. Other good tips for saving money:
1. Coupons, coupons, coupons!
2. Do-it-yourself at home beauty remedies
3. A realization that temporal frugalness can be a sophisticated beautiful thing if it's for the right reason. :D

[Swistle]

For us, the most important decision we made was to base our home- and car-buying decisions on a one-income budget. Some of my friends bought houses and cars when they had two incomes, and so now they can't make the mortgage/car payments if one of them quits.

After that, I'm not sure. I have a cousin who says she "can't afford the luxury of staying home," but she spends thousands and thousands of dollars on Christmas and furniture and vacations and clothes. I have a friend, though, whose husband probably just seriously doesn't earn enough for her to stay home.

I can say that although we live on one income, my husband makes less than many of my friends' husbands--and yet we don't shop at garage sales or eat beans and rice. It's true we don't go out to dinner much, and we don't take vacations, but that's also because of the kids. I know I felt before I quit that there was no way our budget could stretch, and yet when I DID quit, our budget DID stretch, and I can't explain it because I feel like we live at about the same lifestyle level we did before.

[Swistle]

Oh, and I totally second what another commenter said about how the more you have, the more you spend. Even now, I see that whenever my husband gets a raise, it somehow just incorporates into the household without seeming like we earn more.

[Kelly]

We have only one car, which is a huge pain but a huge budget help. We keep track of the foods we eat most often (our menu) and then went through the annoyingly labour-intensive job of keeping track of how much groceries to make each menu item cost and then had an idea of how much each meal cost and cut out the more expensive ones (which also tended to be the more labour intensive, so it worked well once the kids came along). We don't go out - dinner, movies, etc. Entertainment is the tele or shows we download from the internet (not that we went out often before).

The biggest thing is that, in our area, childcare would cost more than/equal to what I could make if I worked, so I stay home. You could try separating your paycheck from the money you spend, for a month, to see how things go for your budget.

[Lisa]

Two ways...grandma and ebay. LOL.
Really we went from 80K a year down to 30K a year when my father died and took my job with him. It was devastating but luckily all we had was a house payment as we had already paid off the cars. We like Beth were living under our means also so that helped.
We have made it fine because there was no way in hell I was leaving my baby to grow up in someone elses arms period! I think if we can do it anyone can if they are willing to give up enough. We dont go out. We dont go shopping except for food. All meals are at home. I buy all my babies clothes on Ebay and they still look better than most kids since all they wear are boutique brand clothes that I get on ebay for under 10.00 sometimes much less. We just dont have the extras.
But you have to be OK with that lifestyle. Some people just have to go out and have to have new stuff. I am not materialistic and I am not saying that trying to be snobby. I am just not.
Remember when your life comes to an end the only thing that will have ever mattered or was important will be your family and the time you spent together. I highly doubt you will remember that time you ate at so and so's and even more so you will remember all the times you sat around your dinner table and ate together.
To me it is surely worth it. I wouldnt give up one second that I have been able to watch my babies grow. I see all of thier firsts. I kiss all of the boo-boos. I hear all of the I love yous a million times a day. Thats better than any meal at Chipotles if you ask me.

[Jennifer]

We do a monthly budget, spend every dollar on paper before the month begins. Also, we planned before getting pregnant to be debt free, except for our house, so that I could stay home. I don't buy extravagent things, we go to the park, library, and others' homes for entertainment, I get my hair colored less often. Instead of going to dinner, we go to lunch occasionally, as it's usually cheaper.

[Nichole]

My husband was a grad student when our daughter was born. Technically, we did have two incomes then, but the monetary difference between gradstudent+copyeditor and postdoc+SAHM isn't all that much. So we've had to make very few adjustments.

[That Girl]

I dont think everyone should stay home or want to but i think people tend not to think about the big picture when they consider their life.
If staying home is the most important thing to you than perhaps you could move into a smaller house where the mortgage is less, maybe even buy a fixer-upper and use some of the stay-at-home time to build up sweat equity.
In additon, of course, to any or all of the above suggestions.
You may also want to consider that while it seems like something you would like staying at home might not be for you. Maybe you could try a part-time position first to try it out both moneywise and enjoying-it-wise. Or a work-at-home position.
Not wanting to give up everything in your lifestyle to stay at home is not a character flaw.

[ann adams]

It depends on what family income range we're talking about of course. At minimum wage or thereabouts, it's next to impossible to do it on one 40 hour income so either one parent works two jobs (at least) or both work and desparately try to figure out childcare.

I almost always had to work so possibly I'm the wrong person to ask but I have figured what I've saved since I retired so I have some idea.

Childcare cost
Clothing
Dry Cleaning of same
Commute (all the costs involved - not just the gasoline)
Meals at work (including that latte once a day)
Meals at home - we're much more apt to go for prepared food when we're working. Much cheaper to cook.

And there's probably a lot I'm missing.

Childcare alone can eat up half of a moderate paycheck.

[Jaycie]

I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with all my kids. I clipped coupons, started coloring my own hair and had a hairstyle that didn't require frequent trims and rarely bought new clothes. I also learned to realllly stretch the budget in the grocery department. However, the thing that saved us the most money was simply my not going to work--no more gasoline, no wear and tear on the car, no Starbucks on the way to work, no lunches out, and no shopping with girlfriends on my lunch hour.
My daughter just lost her job and was very upset until I sat her down with a pen and paper and she realized that, after expenses, she was actually contributing less than $200 a month to the family checking account (she had a long commute in a gas guzzler and paid for childcare for two kids).
Another area that can save a lot of money with each baby is to nurse them if you can. I even used cloth diapers. And, if need be, you can earn a little bit of money and get your child a playmate by babysitting.
Alone, the suggestions don't seem like much, but put them all together and you might be surprised.

[Pammer]

Here is an interesting article and worksheet that is helping US make this decision. It's astounding.

http://www.drlaura.com/sah/money.html?mode=view&tile=1&id=566

[jessica]

Just wanted to add that there are a ton of us single moms who get no help financal or otherwise from the dads (or anyone else), which puts us in the one income with child(ren) category as well. Childcare expenses easily add up to as much or more than supporting another adult.

It's about budgeting, really. And the kids coming first. A lot of the stuff others said applies universally for any family on a budget.

However we do it, and however our families are shaped, we just find ways to make it happen so our kids are always well cared for. :)

[anna]

My husband stays at home while I work. We started in college when my income was measly. From there it was easy to grow into what I make now.

We have a budget. When you see how much moula is coming in vs what you absolutely have to spend it on (utilities, rent/mortgage, groceries) you realize how much is really expendable.

Everyone says it, but it makes such a difference, we hardly ever eat out.

We don't buy things on credit, we save up for everything.

We also moved from a big city, with a huge cost of living, to a small town. There isn't as much temptation to spend unless we want to drive 1 1/2 hours to a larger city.

Our kids want for nothing (well, except a PS3 if you ask my oldest). They will not remember live without Tivo, digital cameras (still and video), their own computer, both parents having a car, and so many other things that some people do without because to them the option to have it would mean no groceries.

Wow, that was really long. Sorry to take up so much space!

[C]

Some of this may be repeating what others have said, but - I think it was Swistle that said it - we bought our home and cars on ONLY my husbands income. So when I had the twins, I didn't NEED to go back to work. That was the smartest thing we ever did! I also use coupons, we don't take crazy expensive vacations, we stay with relatives when we do. I shop for Christmas ALL YEAR LONG, my kids wear hand - me - downs, we never go to the movies, we go to the library a ton & take out movies, and we just sacrifice. Dinner out? Never. We look for bargains, for example - the aquarium this weekend was kids free with a paying adult. Took advantage of that. We are used to living like this - so maybe we don't notice it as much? We refuse to carry credit card debt and that's tough b/c it appears like all my neighbors are living such fabulous lives with the latest model SUV's and $100 jeans and vacations more than once a year, etc....but my husband reminds me that they may be maxed out in credit card debt and we are not. So... also, my husband does side jobs to make a little extra. I guess basically, we just somehow make it work. Oh, and we cut out daily trips to Starbucks!!! Whew - that adds up!

[Diane]

I won't be much help on this one. When I was working, the most I ever made was $17,500 a year and that was way back in 1994.

Our decision for me to stay home was an easy one as our son had many issues when he was born (we found out when I was 5 or 5 1/2 months pregnant) and it wasn't really a choice. He needed years of therapy and staying home with him was a given considering the circumstances and the fact that we didn't want him in daycare.

He's fine now.

Financially it wasn't easy as we had recently moved to Denver and had a house in Syracuse that we couldn't sell. It took us ten years before it finally sold and nearly 8 years of renting it out and having to evict the last two tenants that nearly destroyed the home.

Our lifestyle dropped. Simplier vacations, less eating out, shopping and such.

I believe that women can work and have children, but it's much harder to do. I don't know that I would have been happy doing it. But, I have nothing to compare it too. I loved my last job and was looking for work, but a full-time job never came together by the time I was visibly pregnant.

The bottom line is that everyone should be happy with what decision is made for both spouses. Regardless of what work you do or money you make, if your miserable it's not worth it. But, having a one income family puts the entire burden on one spouse and the threat of layoffs is always there.

Now, if I worked it would simply bump us up into another tax bracket. My hubby makes a very nice living working in IT as a network engineer.

[Joanne]

Here's a few things that we did:

We bought a house based on what my husband made, not what we both made.

I hardly ever spend money on myself, I don't need work clothes, dry cleaning, etc. I color my own hair and do my own nails.

We go out a LOT less than we used to, to restaurants, bars, movies, etc. We travel a lot less too.

I do use coupons and try and save money where I can.

I work two nights a week in a restaurant - it's nice to have cash and I try to use it on things I would otherwise charge.

Once we committed to it, it's been a lot easier. Really, I think you have to make pretty good money to not lose some by putting your kid in daycare. By the time you figure in costs of going to work, and add in daycare, it just wasn't enough for me to continue working. Yes, I am upset sometimes at the thought of my seemingly wasted Masters degree. Yes, I would like to go on vacation and have all sorts of extras, but once we committed to the idea of me staying home, the rest just sort of fell into place.

[Alicia]

I am beyond lucky to stay at home with my daughter. We manage to do it on my husband's by skimping on ourselves, not the wee one.

We put eachother on an allowance, $20 per week on whatever we wanted. If it was spen all in one place, we'd have to wait until the next week for our next "allowance" to have a bit of freedom again.
Being that we are "younger" parents (both 25) this has taught us to put our buying on a whim days into perspective. Now if we want something, we'll have to save our allowance to get it. We still indulge ourselves once in a while, we just have to save our allowance to do it now.

Also, we only have one car. He usually has it to get back and forth to work on, but if I have errands or plans for the day, I just wake up that little bit earlier to take him to work. It helps to only have one thing keeping us in debt. And when the car is paid off, we'll look into buying a 2nd vehicle.

[Kirsten]

We were also living beneath our means pre-baby. Also, we kept our small house with the small mortgage in the iffy neighborhood. It is about a third of the average payment. Also, we paid off all of our debt and don't use credit cards. We still have money for pretty much whatever if we plan well. We also invest in real estate when opportunities come up.

[rockabyemama]

We do a lot of what others have said. We just have one car that is paid off. We are lucky enough that my husband has a good friend at work who he carpools with, at least for now, so that I can have the car to take my daughter to playdates, library storytime, zoo (we got a year membership and it's definitely worth it) etc. I work at Gymboree 2 hrs. a week (they have an onsite nursery where my daughter stays) which basically pays for gas and gets us free classes.

We rent our house because we are likely moving to another city soon, and that makes housing a fixed, predictable cost with no unanticapted large expenses. We just have basic cable (for TV and internet, no TiVo, etc.), we just have cell phones and no home phone. Like everyone says, we rarely go out to eat and almost never go to the movies. Most of our travel goes along with my husband traveling for work (to conferences, etc.) so that a large chunk of the expenses are paid for. Family has also chipped in for visits to see them.

As for clothes, etc., we don't buy much for ourselves, but when I do, I just strictly bargain shop the clearance racks. My daughter wants for nothing...generous gifts from family and bargain shopping on my part. That is probably the one area I should cut back on more, so that we could actually try to save some money, but it's hard. I need to work on it. I think if you're careful, persistent, and you shop ahead, you can buy great kid's clothes new at very cheap prices. With coupons, clearance racks, outlets, etc., I buy most of my daughter's clothes new for cheap. I am really bad at sorting through stuff at garage sales, etc., but I do pretty well price wise with some strict price limits (I rarely spend more than $5-8, frequently get things for less than $5, occasionally buy things for $8-12, and almost-never-only-for-super-special-things spend $10-15) at all the regular kids clothing stores (Gymboree, babyGap, Carter's outlet, Old Navy, Children's Place).

Like others have said, a lot depends on the cost of living where you are and how much your spouse actually makes. Doing without some things, like a second car, can definitely be a pain, but can also really be worth it.

For me, what is going to be hard in the near future is helping my husband understand why I really want to continue to stay home, at least part time, as my daughter gets older. Most of his colleagues have wives who work full-time and never stopped beyond their brief maternity leave, mostly by choice, not financial necessity, so it's a different culture.

[Deb L]

Lots of comments already, so I may be repeating what others have said.

Upfront, I'll say that I don't care if people stay home with kids or work outside the home. It's a personal/family matter, and we all do what we need to for ourselves and our own families. :)

I'm pretty "crunchy" and so a lot of earth-friendly/energy-saving measures that saved us money would have been done anyway. Things like breast-feeding, cloth-diapering (which I could only do part of the time), hanging clothes on the line to dry, not turning the heat up in winter or the a/c in summer unless other comfort measures don't work.

I'm a big fan of thrift shops and yard sales, I dislike disposable consumerism. But not everyone feels that way, so that's not a money-saving option for some folks.

We basically looked at the necessities- house payment, utilities, regular bills, food. And my husband's wages paid enough to cover that with a little extra. That extra we had to figure out how to use, and still not feel like we were living in poverty.

So we did things like signing up for Netflix so we could watch movies, instead of spending 4 times that each month at the local rental shop. And we just have public broadcast tv. Internet is necessary for my hb's job as well as some volunteer projects I do, so we put that in the "regular bills" category.

We quit eating out, except as the occasional treat. And we got a wholesale club membership for food and household items (even though the crunchy part of me cringes at this)

Our cars were paid-off, so that wasn't an expense. If someone has a spendy car payment, maybe consider selling it and buying a used car out-right. Insurance and registration are less on used cars as well.

I have a hairstyle that doesn't require much maintenance. Other than going in once or twice a year to have the ends trimmed, I don't get haircuts. I trim my own bangs when they get in my eyes. But, I like long hair. This won't work for everyone, obviously, LOL.

The biggest change was looking at spending money in terms of "do I NEED this? Is it something that I use once, or will it be usable several times? Am I going to get enjoyment out of it long-term or is it a whim?" And if it wasn't something we *needed* then usually we didn't buy it. And if it was something with short-term usefulness, we usually didn't buy it.

That first couple of years was really hard though, because when you pay the necessities, and scrimp and stretch to feed everyone, and only have fun extras because generous relatives have given you a bunch of stuff, it can be tough when you're used to going for coffee and grabbing a bagel every week, or going to the movies or out to eat regularly, or buying cute new outfits and trendy makeup every year.

My confession is that some of the time we put things on credit. bad, bad.

[Janonymous]

When first married, my income was slightly higher than his. We are planners to our very core, so we knew we wanted one of us to stay home with kids, and that it would likely be me because I'm in a healthcare field that's easy to re-enter after several years off, and his income was likely to grow more than mine.

So, we bought a house and cars we could afford on one income, and I quit working full-time and did contract work for the 18 months before our 1st kid was born, gradually tapering my hours (and income) down to zero. Now with 2 kids, I do occasional contract work on weekends for a little (very little) extra money & just because I want to.

Neither of us are big shoppers, but insist on bargains. We do lots of museum/zoo memberships, parks, library, etc, that is low-cost. Netflix, game nights with friends over, etc for entertainment. And with one of us home, there is a lot more time for cooking and other things we can do ourselves. I must confess that I've been home 6 years now, and his income has finally risen to the point that we have the same gross income as when I was working full-time, and the budget is not tight at all now (to us--but we're not big spenders). And his annual bonus is NOT counted in our budget--it goes towards savings, new car/house down payment, etc.

Jan

[Mrs. M]

i love learning all of these ideas for my hopeful future as a SAHM. hopefully when my hubby finished grad school his income will increase greatly and we can pay off things that would hinder my being a full time mommy. Otherwise, while I never (ever!) went without my family has always been store brand groceries, clearnace rack shoppers and we've been just fine!

[samantha jo campen]

You all are giving me great ideas! Some of these things we have already implimented, but others sound great!

And it makes me not feel so alone when we 'go without' all the other fun stuff the people around us have.