Ask Beth: Potty Edition, You Knew it was Coming

When you have a child of a certain age, you are asked the same two questions all the time.  The first question comes from people who do not have their own child under three, and is everybody's favorite "when are you having another one?"  This question starts on your child's first birthday and does not stop until you are visibly pregnant, preferably with twins.  Question two comes from other parents of children under three and is "are you potty training?"  Man, they way we talk about potty training you would think we had all spent the past 1 to 3 years up to our elbows in poop or something.  Oh, right, we have.  Well that explains it.

This week's question comes from Alicia, who wants to know:

How do you know when it's time to start potty training?  My daughter is 16 months and has started to hold "it" for hours at a time.  She has yet to go in the potty, but enjoys sitting on it for a few moments before she's done and would like her clothes back so she may return to playing.  Is this not the right time to potty train, or should I keep with it?

Ok, so I know nothing about this.  I'm sort of in denial about potty training because I don't mind the diapers that much and am not looking forward to touring every filthy public restroom in the county.  However, Mia recently got her own potty and spent a couple of weeks happily making all her stuffed animals go potty, usually in groups or two or three, before she forgot about it entirely.  Nope, we aren't potty training.

Any advice from those of you who know?

Comments

[Multi-tasking Mommy]

I'm no expert at all, just a Mom with thoughts on the topic...

From what I have heard, you know that they are ready when:
-they hold out on going for hours at a time
-they can tell you when they are going or are ready to go
-they have interest in using the potty

As a Kindergarten teacher, I heard way too many stories about parents who "forced" their child to be potty trained when they weren't ready. I say, unless they are of school age not to force the issue and just wait until they are truly ready! Forcing can lead you to many other issues like refusing to go all together!

My 23 month old daughter likes to sit on the potty, will go #1, not #2 on the potty and is wearing pull ups (more for my convenience than for her), but she still won't tell me when she has to go. I'm just "going with it", taking her lead. We started by forming a routine of putting her on the potty before bathtime and not making a big deal if she didn't go. Now, when changing her diaper, I always ask she wants to try to go on the potty. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't.

Who knows what the right answer is, really!

[Lesley]

Unless you're pregnant with the next baby (had to slide that in) don't rush it! And, if you are pregnant, do it right away so they forget that they used to wear diapers before baby arrives. My first potty training mistake . . . Second was starting with pull-ups. What's the point when they don't feel wet? So, I say go with straight, ordinary underwear and a solid block of time. My oldest took a long time with pull-ups and a new sister in the process. My second took three days with panties and winter holidays. Much simpler. My son also wasn't too long.

Oh, and buy lysol!

[Suzy]

At 19 months, my son started telling me when his diaper needed to be changed and would often tell me before he actually "went". We bought 2 potties. 1 for his bathroom and a more mobile one, which usually stayed in the family room or kitchen for easy access!

We would have him sit on the potty at bath time, before bed and any time he followed one of us when we had to use the bathroom. We figured that if we were on the potty, it would only make sense that if he INSISTED on being in there, he should sit on the potty too. Some times he went potty, sometimes he didn't. When there was nothing in the potty after he was done, we didn't make a huge deal of it, but we'd look a little sad and say "aww nothing in the potty, maybe next time" and leave it at that. Before long, he was thrilled to show us when there was something in the potty!

The "easy access" potty were for times when he'd announce he had to go. Generally there wasn't a lot of time to get to his potty in the bathroom, so we had him use that one instead.

After about a couple weeks of this, he decided he didn't want to wear a diaper, but had trouble with getting underwear down in time to avoid little accidents, so he chose on his own, NOT to wear underwear either. We allowed this around the house and just let him wear a longer T-Shirt to keep him somewhat presentable! lol

A couple of things I would recommend:

-Keep some carpet cleaner handy
-Same for anti-bacterial cleaner for floors
-Keep wipes handy in the bathroom [also in the kitchen, living room/master bath if you use a mobile potty]
-Invest in a potty to keep in the car for errands/shopping, etc.

The latter is much more convenient than stopping and searching for bathrooms or having to go back inside a store when they announce they have to potty after you leave the store! I also used a spare diaper and wipes to clean the car potty, otherwise it was just to gross to deal with. lol

We used pull-ups until he was about 2 and a half, when we were away from home. After that, we switched to underwear. Accidents happened, but he quickly realized that he should speak up sooner, rather than later! lol

I will end with this: While I do not belive in forcing potty training, once we were into it for a few weeks, we didn't take any lip from him the few times he balked about sitting on the potty. It was just one of those times we felt we needed to be firm and lead, instead of giving in.

Good luck!

[anna]

We had the potty chair around from age 1 to whenever they stopped using it. No one actually used it until they were much closer to 2. They just got familiar with it being there and we would talk about what its function was.

When it was time to change diapers/pullups we would talk about what we were doing and why. Something someone told us was important was to not act like it was totally disgusting to change diapers. You don't want your child to think that what they are doing is wrong and disgusting, only natural.

About the time they started going for long stretches without a wet diaper is when we started putting them on the potty chair right after they woke up. Of course, the door was never closed when anyone else was in the bathroom.

Our biggest flag that our children were ready to really start potty training was when they started taking off their diaper/pullups. Then the real messes began. We had it pretty easy though from what I've heard.

[chatty cricket]

Beth, I'm with you. When it comes to potty training, I like the "fingers in my ears, eyes closed, humming so I can't hear any more on the subject" approach. But it sounds to me like this little girl might just be ready and could be worth it to take advantage of the readiness? I don't know...Lady doesn't really show any signs of readiness other than being quite aware of what's in her diaper and announcing the nature of the dirty diaper as soon as it occurs, but that's about it.

Now back to my regularly scheduled denial about potty training.....

[Mommy Daisy]

Thanks so much for posting this question. I've been talking about it a lot lately. I'm thinking of starting to potty train my 12 month old (birthday this Sat.). He hasn't shown too much interest yet, other than following us in the bathroom and holding it a bit. But, I'd like to start trying to sit him on the potty at certain times during the day. He picks other things up pretty quickly, so I'm hoping by trying this and using a reward when he does go he'll get the hang of it. It may take a little longer this way, but I'm willing to try. I will keep watching for other comments. Maybe it will help me out too.

[jessica]

My daughter is 15 months...and other than reading about it, I'm not planning on potty training at all until Daya is ready for it. I figure we still have a long way to go, she's still too young.

I also don't believe in forcing the issue. They do it when they're ready, and I believe the less stressful it is, the better for everyone involved.

[Diane]

Patience and tuning into Mia is key.

Potty training was lengthy for us. Our son had issues with irregularity. This made potty training lengthy until he was completely trained.

Having our son sit at regular intervals is what worked for us. We tried every reward system that we could think of. Candy, stickers, toy cars, etc. We made a big deal during every step of progress.

Many children learn easily and want to graduate to the big potty and many, don't. I don't feel rushing helps as it only makes for stressed out parents and kiddos.

Most of us tire of the diaper & pull-up expense. That tends to push parents into potty training. That, and the fact that if we linger--who knows how long it could take otherwise.

Good luck at whatever you decide.

[Brad]

We tried too early and it was harder on us than anything. I wouldn't start until she's at least 2, and even then, it would start with reading books on the potty for 15 minutes or so after dinner (when she's likely to go). Build up excitement, confidence, routine. My girl was #1 trained for a couple of months before she'd put #2 in the potty. It happened within a week of her 3rd birthday and has been awesome ever since. Our mistake was trying too early. It was all playful and fun for her, but tiresome for us.

[nicole]

Follow your child's lead. This child sounds ready to move on, or at least start trying. But if a child is not showing any interest, let it go. We tried to train our girls before they were ready and I think it made the process take longer and was much more stressful. I am waiting for my son to show signs of being ready rather than leading him.
Potty training can be very challenging. Don't compare your children to others on this issue--it is not worth the stress.

[Jaime]

Haylee has decided that a wet or dirty diaper must be removed within seconds of it happening. After she started doing that regularly I started bringing her to the potty every hour or so, never forcing her to sit for long and making a huge deal of it when she does go in the potty, and when she doesn't go we still give her lots of praise for trying.
I think our best strategy has been patience, if she goes she goes, if not that's okay too. I want her to feel comfortable and diapers really aren't that big of a deal anyway...she is after all only 19--maybe we'll try harder after she's two.

[nikki]

oooo ooooo! i have some potty training advice for you!

don't dope your kid up on prednisone and let her run around naked because she will just pee all over your kitchen floor. because then you'd probably step in it. while wearing socks. and then have to hobble around the house for a minute while chasing said naked kid. and fall on your behind. while said naked kid is laughing at you.

hope this helps!

[Deb L]

We're in the midst of potty training our reluctant 4 year old. They have a routine they follow at school, and he stays dry during the mornings on his pre-school days.

At home, it's big boy underpants, and he gets to decide which pair to wear (invest in many many pairs, at least a dozen. you'll need them) He also gets to decide if he wants to wear pants, shorts, or just underwear around the house.

Naptimes, or excursions away from home, he gets to have pullups. He's a very perfectionistic child, and I think the stress of worrying about peeing his pants would set us back to diapers.

My biggest focus with him is reassuring him that accidents happen, that it's ok, and that he's a good person. And praising him for successful bathroom missions. And re-reassuring him that there is no need to be upset for the accident. He gets distracted with what he's doing, which leads to #1 accidents. #2 has been in the toilet with 99% consistency for the last year or so. I guess that "urge" has more time to hit the brain than #1, so he has a better chance of getting to the bathroom in time.

My 2 year old is at the "pulling off diaper" stage. But he just sits on his potty and giggles. He has done this for ages now, and not ONCE has anything actually gone in the potty. Kinda frustrating, because I think if he did go potty in his toilet, and got the praise for doing so (and possibly even stickers.heh) that he would be trained within a matter of weeks. if not days. He's just that kind of kid. But I need some EVIDENCE with which to praise him!

[tanyetta]

i'm afraid he's going to poop on my carpet!

[Mrs. M]

put cheerios in the potty, let the little boys aim for them.

keep a special toy (a few cars, a little doll) on the back of the potty that they can only play with when they go potty.

Both tricks worked for me when I was a nanny and for my little brother (I basically raised him).

[Ashley S.]

My son uses maybe four diapers a week and he is fifteen months. I know, kill me. But we did diaper free in the house and he has been set on his potty at times when I know he goes (when he wakes up in the morning, after naps, when we come home from being out) since he was around eight months old. We also cloth diapered so he always could feel when he was wet. Now he actually goes and gets on his potty if it is freely available or stands at the bathroom door until I put him on one.

diaperfreebaby.org is a great resource that dispells the myth that children can't control their own movements until at least two. If that was the case, I would constantly be cleaning up messes. Well, I am constantly cleaning up messes but not THOSE kind if you know what I mean.

My son loves to put his animals on his potties (he has two in different rooms for his ease of use) too.

[ktjrdn]

The thick padded gerber training pants are great. Put a pair of the gerber plastic pants on over top if you're going out, to protect the kid's outfit in case of accident, and you only have to change underpants. I had no success with pull-ups. They're just too absorbant. Even the ones that are supposed to feel wet. They might have felt wet, but not to my kid. If the pull-up fit her tight enough for her to feel it there, it would have cut off circulation to her legs. She has chunky thighs. So, they just hung down a little and never bothered her.

Other than that, the best advice I have is wait until you are ready too. Even if your kid is starting to show signs of readiness, if you're not ready to be consistant, it's just going to confuse her. I started, then got pregnant and slacked off. It made it harder to do when I picked it back up.

[fauve]

I'm another one who thinks the Pull-ups are just a waste of time and money. Go right to underpants or the thicker cloth training pants.

As far as age, each kid is different. Give them access to a potty chair and let them do the rest.

My son took 2 weeks to train completely; the same month he turned 2 years old.
My daughter, at 4 1/2, still has an accident about once a week and still wets the bed at night.
So really no advice - except that I've noticed, the more you stress about it, the more they'll stress about it.

[sue]

Don't rush when they are ready it only takes a day or so and everyone remains sane! Remember NO ONE I REPEAT NO ONE GETS MARRIED IN PAMPERS!!!

[Lisa]

Dont ask me...mine just turned three with no desire for potty in sight. I kept wanting to follow her lead but apparently she loves her diaper. Sigh. I think I am just going to put panties on her and clean up a few messes till she gets it because I know she is old enough and way smart enough.

[Lauren]

Well this can't be good...

http://www.statesman.com/search/content/life/stories/other/02/24/24diaperfree.html

[Haley-O]

All I know is that I know nothing (about potty training). ;)

[geepeemum]

My daughter showed some slight interest at around 16 months - I was 6 months pregnant at this point and went and bought the potty but we didn't "potty train" - she just sat on it if she felt like it and that soon got boring and she stopped. I then attempted to potty train her at30 months - and failed miserably. After 3 days the stress got to us both - failure is not a thing she can easily contemplate (and we never ever told her she had done it wrong, we praised every achievement and ignored every pee in the pants, but believe me she was sooooo stressed by the whole thing). Finally we did it at 34 months and it was a hell-ish week but eventually we got there. She never had an accident ever since.
My son is now 28 months and can wee on the toilet every time - but he also wees on the carpet or in his pants on the odd occasions my daughter has made him wear some. I'm planning to leave it till he's around 30 - 31 months. The alter you leave it, it seems to me, the fewer accidents you are likely to end up having.....
(And I just ignore my completely horrified mother who feels I should have trained them both at 12 months. My sanity might have lasted a couple of hours but no longer....)

[mr lady]

This one I'm good at.

My ped recommended this book...
http://www.amazon.com/Toilet-Training-Less-Than-Day/dp/0671693808

The trick is to be SURE they're ready. Yes, you can potty train a little toddler. No, most of us don't have the patience to do it (me, included). Unless you absolutly do not have $9.67 for another pack of diapers, wait. You'll know. If you aren't sure, they're not ready. If you are sure, here's the cliff-notes on that book:

Take Little Juan or Little Juanita to the store and let them pick their own undies out. Buy a potty chair for every room in your house. Pick one day when you can lock yourself in the house with no tv, no outside distractions, no dad or siblings, nothing. Buy a case of popsicles and your kids' favorite juice. And start drinking. Drink juice all day long. Eat popsicles. Eat soup. Eat anything that will make them pee. And then go pee every 15 minutes, whether or not you guys need to. Yes, you have to do it, too. Make it a game. Give a small treat is they go, but do not scold at all if they miss. Just have them HELP YOU clean it up.

It really does work. If it doesn't, they're not ready.

The book calls for a doll that goes pee. I always skipped that part. I suppose it could be helpful, but I never saw the need and my kids' still sailed through it.

The things to remember: Pooping takes a bit longer; some kids are scared to. Overnights take much longer; get a good waterproof pad or use the pull-ups for then. Don't use pull-ups during the day. It sends the wrong signal. Diapers or undies are the only choices. Oh, and make sure your kids really know about it before you try. Make sure they have watched you pee (by that I mean HAVE WATCHED THE STREAM GO FROM YOU TO THE TOILET) and make sure they have helped wipe your bottom or shake (shaking is a very important thing to teach the boys or your laundry pile gets very large, indeed), make sure they know how to flush.

Girls really do train earlier than boys. Good luck!

[Beth' s mom]

Okay, I'll bite. When are you going to have another baby? Tee hee.

I know Mia will not be wearing diapers to kindergarten, so no worries!